BusterB: Back-Handed Bashing

I get a lot of joke e-mails both at work and at home. The vast majority of jokes are the usual sort: fairly neutral. A significant minority are male-bashing jokes, or supposedly humorous diatribes about how superior women are. However, the odd one purports to be "comeback" for all of that male-bashing.

The problem is that most of these "comebacks" are obviously written by women, and aren't "the answer to male-bashing jokes" but are instead subtle, back-handed slaps at men and/or subtle laments at "how awful" it is to be female. The following selections have all of the marks of being female creations, and aren't very complimentary toward men.

"Thank God I'm A Man"

We're supposed to believe that this was written by a man, outlining how good it is to be male. Sorry, but at least half of the stuff on here wouldn't even cross the male mind as being of interest, let alone important enough to include on a list. I'll admit that it's possible that an Alan Alda clone wrote this after lengthly consultation with women, but as a free-spirited celebration of manhood, it's pretty-much bullshit. The original text of the "joke" is in bold... my comments are italicized. The ones with no comments are things that by some stretch of the imagination could have been written by a man.

It's nice to be a guy because:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. This sounds more like a snivelling lament than a "benefit" of being a man. Most guys I know look at this from the other direction: women can use their shape and their smile to get things more easily than men can. The fact that the writer frames this as a disadvantage is a clear sign that it's a woman writing.
Your orgasms are real. Always. Why is this an "advantage" of being a man? Women can have all-real orgasms, too: just stop faking the other ones! Unless this is a back-handed insult, that men are too clumsy to give women orgasms, I don't get it.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Oh, goody. We get the garage. Meanwhile, she gets the rest of the house....
Wedding plans take care of themselves. True, but why would a guy notice this? Only a woman who is control-freaking over every last little detail of "her" wedding would consider non-involvement an "advantage." Ironic, since she created the situation in the first place by doing the control freak thing.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. More evidence that this was written by a woman. I mean, unless he slept naked in Boy Scouts, how the hell would a guy know whether curling up next to a hairy ass is a bad, good, or neutral experience? Maybe it's like sleeping next to a mink coat. How the hell would I know?
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Again, not something I think about a whole lot. Only a woman would notice that women can't do this.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Exactly, and as such I would never think about this.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. Absolute proof that this was written by a woman. Does your mechanic tell you the truth? Get real! Mechanics lie to me all the time. It's only women who think that men are part of some sort of secret fraternity that gives them an advantage over women. Women believe this mostly because they're constantly forming little sororities, and they think that men are the same way.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal. OK, this is just damned insulting. I don't piss on street corners and I don't know any man who does. In the forest, sure, but then my fiancée pisses in the forest, too... albeit with more difficulty.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Yet another alien experience. Since I've never waxed any part of my body, I wouldn't know what it's like, and I wouldn't consider not "having" to do it an advantage of being male. Besides, women don't have to do it... I've known several women who shaved and it works just fine. I've also known some braver women who just didn't bother. I don't think that any man would consider "not having" to do voluntary things as an "advantage" of maleness.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Could only have been written by a man if one of his ex-girlfriends did this.
Same work ... more pay. More sour grapes. News flash: women get the same pay as men... well, that's another essay.
Wrinkles add character. They add character to women, too. It's only women that think that they don't.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. I wouldn't know. Meaning, I didn't know that women had to make them, and I've had many close female friends. Only a woman would know that that is what she's running to the restroom for, so only a woman would dream this up as an "advantage." As well, it makes for a subtle back-handed insult toward uncouth men.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. This is an advantage? Try this on for size: "Hey, I'm so important in this ceremony that I get to blow two grand on my outfit. You're supporting cast, so you merit only a hundred bucks, and you don't get to keep yours." Some advantage.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. I have no idea what it would be like to have women checking out my body as I talked to them. Maybe I might even like it. I certainly wouldn't count the way women react to men as an "advantage" of being male.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Only a chick would write the words "well-rendered belch."
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Why do women do stupid things and then wail over it as "discrimination"? So buy more comfortable shoes, already!
Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Wow. I'm underwhelmed. Every tear-jerker romance/drama/love story is written with women in mind, and they play at nice theatres where the sticky stuff on the floor is definitely dried pop. So one of the big advantages of being a man is that I can go to seedy, dirty theatres and watch losers jerk off to badly made movies staffed by fourth-rate actors doing the horizontal rumba? How will we ever make it up to the women?
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time. It's statements like this that prove to me, over and over again, that women only think that they understand men. All of the men I know are complex people with wide-ranging moods and feelings. The only difference is that they don't show them to the outside world as readily as women do. Women look at the outside image and conclude that men have no feelings; add to this the fact that women fancy themselves experts on the subject of men, and you end up with statements like this.
And don't forget...... Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. Another female experience that doesn't enter the male radar screen, and so wouldn't be on a list like this if it were written by a man. True, however: dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob us blind. Women rob us blind. 'Nuff said.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Again, obviously written by a woman who thinks she's soooo generous with her praise. Any man who had ever had a long-term relationship with a woman would never write this.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. If a woman is 34 and single, men don't notice anything's amiss, either. It's only women who giggle in groups that so-and-so is an "old maid." Men never remark on this.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You never feel the need to wash your underwear out simply because they are slightly soiled." Just throw them in the dirty clothes with everything else.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking. "He must be mad at me." Another female-only experience. How would a man know that a woman was thinking her friend was mad at her in a situation like this, and so how would he know that he was lucky that he didn't have to go through this?
No maxi-pads. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to wear a maxi-pad, so why would I consider not having to wear one an "advantage"? What... did some guy try this out and decide that it was uncomfortable?
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public. Plus, I wouldn't know what it was like to have them unless I put on a bra for Hallowe'en. Only a woman who has worn a bra for years would consider going braless to be an "advantage."
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Another back-handed insult. I have known only one bachelor in my entire life who didn't iron his clothes. What this really says is that women are more anal about this than men, but then a man would hardly notice that, would he?
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. More sour grapes about voluntary behaviour. Hey, babe, you too can keep the same hairstyle for ten years if you just ignore what your catty friends are saying about you. Can you handle that? Didn't think so.
You don't have to shave below your neck. Well, can't say as I've ever tried, so I wouldn't know if it's an unpleasant experience, now would I? Once again, women don't have to... they just don't have the guts not to.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. I have bigger hips than many women I know, but I couldn't care less. Neither would I consider a bulging belly to be an "advantage." This is just some woman obsessing over her body. Notice how women get totally freaked out about their getting fat but their boyfriends or husbands really can't see what she's upset about? The real advantage here is not being able to hide our shape, but not particularly caring.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. How many men notice that women have two or more purses that they use for different occasions? Again, this is a woman telling other women how bad they have it.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Yup... and the women have freedom of choice when it comes to starting a family. Trade ya!
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes

"Feel Like A Woman"

More of the same, again written by a woman to commiserate with other women while taking a swipe at men. Notice, as well, that the plane has to be struck by lightning for the woman to lose it. If this had been a woman-bashing joke, the turbulence would have been enough. As well, there's the common lament that she's had a lot of relationships with obviously inadequate men... another back-handed insult. It's clever, but it's also cruel... the hallmark of the "modern woman."

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"iron this..."

Back-Handed Bashing Up Rules That Men Wish Women Knew Humour Links My Jokes Past and Present Back-Handed Bashing Man Seeks Woman... Marriage e-mail Jokes Outright Bashing
	I get a lot of joke e-mails both at work and at home. The vast majority of jokes are the usual sort: fairly neutral. A significant minority are male-bashing jokes, or supposedly humorous diatribes about how superior women are. However, the odd one purports to be "comeback" for all of that male-bashing. The problem is that most of these "comebacks" are obviously written by women, and aren't "the answer to male-bashing jokes" but are instead subtle, back-handed slaps at men and/or subtle laments at "how awful" it is to be female. The following selections have all of the marks of being female creations, and aren't very complimentary toward men. "Thank God I'm A Man" We're supposed to believe that this was written by a man, outlining how good it is to be male. Sorry, but at least half of the stuff on here wouldn't even cross the male mind as being of interest, let alone important enough to include on a list. I'll admit that it's possible that an Alan Alda clone wrote this after lengthly consultation with women, but as a free-spirited celebration of manhood, it's pretty-much bullshit. The original text of the "joke" is in bold... my comments are italicized. The ones with no comments are things that by some stretch of the imagination could have been written by a man. It's nice to be a guy because: Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. This sounds more like a snivelling lament than a "benefit" of being a man. Most guys I know look at this from the other direction: women can use their shape and their smile to get things more easily than men can. The fact that the writer frames this as a disadvantage is a clear sign that it's a woman writing. Your orgasms are real. Always. Why is this an "advantage" of being a man? Women can have all-real orgasms, too: just stop faking the other ones! Unless this is a back-handed insult, that men are too clumsy to give women orgasms, I don't get it. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Oh, goody. We get the garage. Meanwhile, she gets the rest of the house.... Wedding plans take care of themselves. True, but why would a guy notice this? Only a woman who is control-freaking over every last little detail of "her" wedding would consider non-involvement an "advantage." Ironic, since she created the situation in the first place by doing the control freak thing. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. More evidence that this was written by a woman. I mean, unless he slept naked in Boy Scouts, how the hell would a guy know whether curling up next to a hairy ass is a bad, good, or neutral experience? Maybe it's like sleeping next to a mink coat. How the hell would I know? Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Again, not something I think about a whole lot. Only a woman would notice that women can't do this. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Exactly, and as such I would never think about this. Car mechanics tell you the truth. Absolute proof that this was written by a woman. Does your mechanic tell you the truth? Get real! Mechanics lie to me all the time. It's only women who think that men are part of some sort of secret fraternity that gives them an advantage over women. Women believe this mostly because they're constantly forming little sororities, and they think that men are the same way. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. OK, this is just damned insulting. I don't piss on street corners and I don't know any man who does. In the forest, sure, but then my fiancée pisses in the forest, too... albeit with more difficulty. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Yet another alien experience. Since I've never waxed any part of my body, I wouldn't know what it's like, and I wouldn't consider not "having" to do it an advantage of being male. Besides, women don't have to do it... I've known several women who shaved and it works just fine. I've also known some braver women who just didn't bother. I don't think that any man would consider "not having" to do voluntary things as an "advantage" of maleness. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Could only have been written by a man if one of his ex-girlfriends did this. Same work ... more pay. More sour grapes. News flash: women get the same pay as men... well, that's another essay. Wrinkles add character. They add character to women, too. It's only women that think that they don't. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. I wouldn't know. Meaning, I didn't know that women had to make them, and I've had many close female friends. Only a woman would know that that is what she's running to the restroom for, so only a woman would dream this up as an "advantage." As well, it makes for a subtle back-handed insult toward uncouth men. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. This is an advantage? Try this on for size: "Hey, I'm so important in this ceremony that I get to blow two grand on my outfit. You're supporting cast, so you merit only a hundred bucks, and you don't get to keep yours." Some advantage. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. I have no idea what it would be like to have women checking out my body as I talked to them. Maybe I might even like it. I certainly wouldn't count the way women react to men as an "advantage" of being male. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Only a chick would write the words "well-rendered belch." New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Why do women do stupid things and then wail over it as "discrimination"? So buy more comfortable shoes, already! Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Wow. I'm underwhelmed. Every tear-jerker romance/drama/love story is written with women in mind, and they play at nice theatres where the sticky stuff on the floor is definitely dried pop. So one of the big advantages of being a man is that I can go to seedy, dirty theatres and watch losers jerk off to badly made movies staffed by fourth-rate actors doing the horizontal rumba? How will we ever make it up to the women? Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. It's statements like this that prove to me, over and over again, that women only think that they understand men. All of the men I know are complex people with wide-ranging moods and feelings. The only difference is that they don't show them to the outside world as readily as women do. Women look at the outside image and conclude that men have no feelings; add to this the fact that women fancy themselves experts on the subject of men, and you end up with statements like this. And don't forget...... Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. Another female experience that doesn't enter the male radar screen, and so wouldn't be on a list like this if it were written by a man. True, however: dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob us blind. Women rob us blind. 'Nuff said. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Again, obviously written by a woman who thinks she's soooo generous with her praise. Any man who had ever had a long-term relationship with a woman would never write this. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. If a woman is 34 and single, men don't notice anything's amiss, either. It's only women who giggle in groups that so-and-so is an "old maid." Men never remark on this. Everything on your face stays its original color. You never feel the need to wash your underwear out simply because they are slightly soiled." Just throw them in the dirty clothes with everything else. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking. "He must be mad at me." Another female-only experience. How would a man know that a woman was thinking her friend was mad at her in a situation like this, and so how would he know that he was lucky that he didn't have to go through this? No maxi-pads. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to wear a maxi-pad, so why would I consider not having to wear one an "advantage"? What... did some guy try this out and decide that it was uncomfortable? You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. Plus, I wouldn't know what it was like to have them unless I put on a bra for Hallowe'en. Only a woman who has worn a bra for years would consider going braless to be an "advantage." You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Another back-handed insult. I have known only one bachelor in my entire life who didn't iron his clothes. What this really says is that women are more anal about this than men, but then a man would hardly notice that, would he? The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. More sour grapes about voluntary behaviour. Hey, babe, you too can keep the same hairstyle for ten years if you just ignore what your catty friends are saying about you. Can you handle that? Didn't think so. You don't have to shave below your neck. Well, can't say as I've ever tried, so I wouldn't know if it's an unpleasant experience, now would I? Once again, women don't have to... they just don't have the guts not to. Your belly usually hides your big hips. I have bigger hips than many women I know, but I couldn't care less. Neither would I consider a bulging belly to be an "advantage." This is just some woman obsessing over her body. Notice how women get totally freaked out about their getting fat but their boyfriends or husbands really can't see what she's upset about? The real advantage here is not being able to hide our shape, but not particularly caring. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. How many men notice that women have two or more purses that they use for different occasions? Again, this is a woman telling other women how bad they have it. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Yup... and the women have freedom of choice when it comes to starting a family. Trade ya! Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes "Feel Like A Woman" More of the same, again written by a woman to commiserate with other women while taking a swipe at men. Notice, as well, that the plane has to be struck by lightning for the woman to lose it. If this had been a woman-bashing joke, the turbulence would have been enough. As well, there's the common lament that she's had a lot of relationships with obviously inadequate men... another back-handed insult. It's clever, but it's also cruel... the hallmark of the "modern woman." On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "iron this..."