BusterB: Commitment

12 March 1997

I thought quite a bit, a few months ago, about what women mean when they complain that "men are afraid to make a commitment." On the face of it, this seems logical, given the number of men running away from marriage propositions and the responsibilities of child-rearing. However, upon further examination it doesn't make sense at all.

First of all, there is the complaint itself: "Men are afraid to make a commitment." Notice the last two words. The claim seems to be that men are afraid of all commitments, of all kinds. Men just can't seem to make any kind of commitment, women sniff. Men are just naturally immature and irresponsible. However, this is patently false. How many men stay in the same job for a decade? Several decades? How many men enter into financial contracts, mortgages, and businesses? All of these things are commitments. Finally, how many men want to get married and have families? Most of the single men I talk to do want to do these things. So, why, when the opportunity presents itself, do they back off?

Well, let's play devil's advocate here. Are women afraid of commitment? Let's say that Jane Average meets John Doe. John is everything Jane wants in a mate: he is caring, kind, supportive, a good provider, wants to have a family, and wants to settle down and buy a house. However, John has one proviso: he wants a prenuptial agreement. He owns most of a house, while Jane has only $10,000 in the bank. He wants a guarantee that the portion of the house he owned before the wedding will still be his after the wedding; all future value that the house may accrue will be shared. Mention this idea to most women and they freak. No damn way, they say. So, in this situation a woman is being offered a commitment, but is turning it down. Is she afraid of commitment? She would argue that a "commitment" with a prenuptial agreement attached is not a commitment at all.

Well, let's ditch the prenuptial agreement, since that's a bit of a political hot potato. Instead, let's talk about Fred. After dumping John, Jane meets Fred. He's just like John, a great match, and he doesn't want a prenup. What Fred does want, though, is that he wants to explore the world. His dream is to live in a new country every two years of his life. He wants a family and children, and he's willing to compromise on which countries to move to, but he just doesn't want to stay put. Again Jane would be reluctant. John is not willing to make a real commitment, according to her, because he doesn't want to "settle down."

So, here we have two guys who want to make commitments, but women would not call these commitments at all. Why? Well, the bottom line is that it's not a commitment that women are after; it's not just any commitment. They want a certain kind of commitment. Stated more strongly, each woman has an idea of the kind of marriage she wants to be in. This idea is formed by years of experiences with men, cultural influences, and talking with her girlfriends. When she complains that she can't find a man who is "willing to make a commitment," she really means that she can't find a men willing to make her commitment: the commitment that she has in mind. If presented with a kind of commitment that goes against her preconceived ideas of what marriage should be like, she is as reluctant as any man to enter into it.

It gets worse. Not only are women inflexible about the kind of commitment that they want, the average woman's commitment dream is heavily weighted in her favour, at least here in Canada it is. Canadian women dream of a marriage in which they are free to work if they wish or be mothers if they wish, but in which their men are constrained to work full-time no matter what. They dream of relationships that are centred around love, and into which the nasty issue of money rarely intrudes; thus they hate prenuptial agreements, because marriage should be about love. Divorce, however, is almost always about money, and almost always works out in the woman's favour. They dream of settling down, buying a house (or having one bought for them), and raising a family. Women expect that they will decorate the house, or as a friend of mine says, "make a nest," and that they will be the principle force determining how the children are raised, or "nurtured," as women like to put it. Canadian women expect their husbands to be supportive around the house and in raising the children, but supportive is the main word here: they do not expect their husbands to have equal influence in making decisions about decorating, purchases, or culture, they just expect them to shoulder half the workload. On top of this, they still expect their husbands to be ready to hold up the traditional male roles of protector and provider. If there is not enough money around the house, it is still his responsibility to try to get more if she says it is.

Whether this is all true or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is that this is how men see marriage. Men see marriage as a situation in which they trade their dreams for the future, their freedom to do what they want to do, and their power to make decisions that influence their own lives for lifelong companionship and a family. And these days, the "lifelong companionship" thing is out the window as well. A man looks at marriage, "a commitment," and knows exactly what the woman intends: that he should provide a house that they both will live in, but which will be hers in every important sense, and that he should provide a steady source of income to build a family that will be theirs, but will be hers in every important sense. It is a situation in which the risk for him is great: he has a lot to gain and a lot to lose, and the risk for her is small: she has a lot to gain and little to lose. Add to this the fact that if the marriage fails, she will usually come out of it better off than when she went in, and he will come out worse off, and you have an unattractive proposition for men.

So, are men afraid to make a commitment? Well, they are wary of the kinds commitments being offered by today's women. If women were more flexible, if they were willing to listen to what men want in a commitment, and if men were permitted to voice their preferences with some real chance of getting what they want, then you might see more men getting married earlier. As it stands, women are sitting at the table holding all of the high cards, sneering that men are afraid to play poker. If I had nothing but scattered tens, sixes, and threes, and I were playing against people with straights and full houses, I would be afraid to play poker, too.

Commitment Up Commitment Men's Clubs Male Feminists Net Porn Restlessly Inventive Saying No S.N.A.G. Understanding Women
	12 March 1997 I thought quite a bit, a few months ago, about what women mean when they complain that "men are afraid to make a commitment." On the face of it, this seems logical, given the number of men running away from marriage propositions and the responsibilities of child-rearing. However, upon further examination it doesn't make sense at all. First of all, there is the complaint itself: "Men are afraid to make a commitment." Notice the last two words. The claim seems to be that men are afraid of all commitments, of all kinds. Men just can't seem to make any kind of commitment, women sniff. Men are just naturally immature and irresponsible. However, this is patently false. How many men stay in the same job for a decade? Several decades? How many men enter into financial contracts, mortgages, and businesses? All of these things are commitments. Finally, how many men want to get married and have families? Most of the single men I talk to do want to do these things. So, why, when the opportunity presents itself, do they back off? Well, let's play devil's advocate here. Are women afraid of commitment? Let's say that Jane Average meets John Doe. John is everything Jane wants in a mate: he is caring, kind, supportive, a good provider, wants to have a family, and wants to settle down and buy a house. However, John has one proviso: he wants a prenuptial agreement. He owns most of a house, while Jane has only $10,000 in the bank. He wants a guarantee that the portion of the house he owned before the wedding will still be his after the wedding; all future value that the house may accrue will be shared. Mention this idea to most women and they freak. No damn way, they say. So, in this situation a woman is being offered a commitment, but is turning it down. Is she afraid of commitment? She would argue that a "commitment" with a prenuptial agreement attached is not a commitment at all. Well, let's ditch the prenuptial agreement, since that's a bit of a political hot potato. Instead, let's talk about Fred. After dumping John, Jane meets Fred. He's just like John, a great match, and he doesn't want a prenup. What Fred does want, though, is that he wants to explore the world. His dream is to live in a new country every two years of his life. He wants a family and children, and he's willing to compromise on which countries to move to, but he just doesn't want to stay put. Again Jane would be reluctant. John is not willing to make a real commitment, according to her, because he doesn't want to "settle down." So, here we have two guys who want to make commitments, but women would not call these commitments at all. Why? Well, the bottom line is that it's not a commitment that women are after; it's not just any commitment. They want a certain kind of commitment. Stated more strongly, each woman has an idea of the kind of marriage she wants to be in. This idea is formed by years of experiences with men, cultural influences, and talking with her girlfriends. When she complains that she can't find a man who is "willing to make a commitment," she really means that she can't find a men willing to make her commitment: the commitment that she has in mind. If presented with a kind of commitment that goes against her preconceived ideas of what marriage should be like, she is as reluctant as any man to enter into it. It gets worse. Not only are women inflexible about the kind of commitment that they want, the average woman's commitment dream is heavily weighted in her favour, at least here in Canada it is. Canadian women dream of a marriage in which they are free to work if they wish or be mothers if they wish, but in which their men are constrained to work full-time no matter what. They dream of relationships that are centred around love, and into which the nasty issue of money rarely intrudes; thus they hate prenuptial agreements, because marriage should be about love. Divorce, however, is almost always about money, and almost always works out in the woman's favour. They dream of settling down, buying a house (or having one bought for them), and raising a family. Women expect that they will decorate the house, or as a friend of mine says, "make a nest," and that they will be the principle force determining how the children are raised, or "nurtured," as women like to put it. Canadian women expect their husbands to be supportive around the house and in raising the children, but supportive is the main word here: they do not expect their husbands to have equal influence in making decisions about decorating, purchases, or culture, they just expect them to shoulder half the workload. On top of this, they still expect their husbands to be ready to hold up the traditional male roles of protector and provider. If there is not enough money around the house, it is still his responsibility to try to get more if she says it is. Whether this is all true or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is that this is how men see marriage. Men see marriage as a situation in which they trade their dreams for the future, their freedom to do what they want to do, and their power to make decisions that influence their own lives for lifelong companionship and a family. And these days, the "lifelong companionship" thing is out the window as well. A man looks at marriage, "a commitment," and knows exactly what the woman intends: that he should provide a house that they both will live in, but which will be hers in every important sense, and that he should provide a steady source of income to build a family that will be theirs, but will be hers in every important sense. It is a situation in which the risk for him is great: he has a lot to gain and a lot to lose, and the risk for her is small: she has a lot to gain and little to lose. Add to this the fact that if the marriage fails, she will usually come out of it better off than when she went in, and he will come out worse off, and you have an unattractive proposition for men. So, are men afraid to make a commitment? Well, they are wary of the kinds commitments being offered by today's women. If women were more flexible, if they were willing to listen to what men want in a commitment, and if men were permitted to voice their preferences with some real chance of getting what they want, then you might see more men getting married earlier. As it stands, women are sitting at the table holding all of the high cards, sneering that men are afraid to play poker. If I had nothing but scattered tens, sixes, and threes, and I were playing against people with straights and full houses, I would be afraid to play poker, too.