Male Feminists, Betrayal, and The Race for High Moral Ground
I was in a men's group for a couple of years in the late nineties. The group grew and shrank and went through several incarnations with only three of us at the core. All of the men who passed through the group were from different walks of life, different outlooks, and had different needs.
In my last weeks with this group we had restarted with a new group of men on a new night in a new location. Getting to know new people in these groups is always an awkward process. One night one of the new guys was talking about a friend of his who had lots of money and a big house, and admitted that as much as he tried not to be, he was jealous of his friend's success. Another fellow in the group looked at him uncomprehendingly and said, "Why should you be jealous? I don't understand." The poor fellow with the rich friend then tried to talk us through his feelings about his mediocre success and trying to be happy with what he had while the second fellow continued to feign surprise that he should be covetous of something so trivial as a mansion and a fat bank account. The second fellow annoyed me to no end.
It annoyed me that he was being disingenuous. He knew perfectly well what the first fellow was talking about, at least he did if he had an ounce of sense. Being jealous of another's success is a basic human experience. True, it's not a particularly noble or high-minded emotion; if you're Catholic then it's even a sin. However, it's familiar: even in the unlikely case that you've never experienced it yourself, you've known someone else who has. What this guy was doing was claiming the high moral ground. By pretending not to understand jealousy, he was setting himself up to seem purer and wiser than the guy who was spilling his guts. He wasn't purer and wiser, of course: he was simply lying, trying to make himself look good while at the same time making the first fellow, who was being painfully honest, look like an idiot. To me this was a betrayal of the group by one man who wanted to pump himself up at others' expense.
For this same reason I have trouble tolerating male feminists. Women feminists I can understand: self-interest is also a common human emotion, even if it is a base one. On the other hand, men who parrot feminist dogma make me crazy. I suppose that it is possible to become so steeped in propaganda that you can see neither others' pain nor your own—willful blindness is not exactly rare—but I often sense ulterior motives in male feminists' vociferous defense of powerful women against cowering men.
There is a lot to gain from this kind of behaviour, but none of it is particularly admirable.
Probably the most important reward is the affirmation of women. Despite feminism's endless whining that women have no power, women have enormous emotional power over most men. You can believe what you like about violent, abusive men, but you must admit that most ordinary, "nice guys" are terrified of getting on a woman's bad side and, if they should offend a woman, would do pretty much anything to get back in her good books. If you believe that women's scorn and shame are powerful weapons, then there's a pretty clear dynamic at work in the male feminist: defend women at all times, even their most outrageous actions, and women will judge you a fine specimen of manhood; criticize women in any way and they will heap scorn on you. For a weak man in need of female affirmation, there isn't much of a choice here.
Another important gain is the feeling of smug superiority involved in taking the high moral ground. A few men and women have made tremendous sacrifices in order to make the world a better place and have the right to look at how others live and judge them. Mother Theresa is an example of this; Patricia Ireland is not. Lucky for us, it's usually these people who sacrifice the most who do not then dangle their self-sacrifice in front of our faces. Rather, there are whose who think they deserve the high moral ground but in fact only imagine themselves superior. This second group is much larger than the first, and there are rather more women in this category than men. Women seem to assume that they are morally purer than men by accident of birth. Men try to become more morally pure by doing what my compatriot did and bluffing their way through it, slamming other men in the process. The male feminist can look down on his male brethren by taking the "correct" (as defined by women) side of every argument, and denying that he feels any resentment or ambivalence toward women, or any kinship with other men.
These are the men who smile little knowing smiles to themselves while you're trying to explain why you don't think that affirmative action is fair. These are the men who shatter your discussion on child custody and make you feel like shit by asking, wide-eyed, why anyone would conscience separating a loving mother from her children. These are the men who laugh at man-bashing jokes but then cluck their tongues about "stupid blonde" jokes. These are the men who, when forced to confront their hypocrisy, loudly proclaim that they are against all discrimination and prejudice in all of their forms, and then go back to exactly what they were saying before... after you leave. These are the men who counter confusion, honest objection, and pain with smug, self-satisfied, pat answers for all of life's problems. I know. I used to be one of them.
Now, there are men who agree with feminism because they've carefully considered its implications. You can tell these apart from the fakers by their willingness to disagree with the more objectionable claims of radical feminists and their ability to see that in some ways men receive a raw deal. One can argue with these people and get somewhere. Arguing with the male feminist sycophant is a waste of time. He's chosen his side in the debate. He's decided to cast his lot with the women in hopes of continued affirmation and vicarious superiority, and nothing I can offer him is likely to change his mind. Since he's probably lying to himself as well as the rest of the world, logic and honesty are unlikely to have much impact. So, I simply shake my head and go to look for men who have the balls to be honest. Even if they disagree with me, honest men can accept and acknowledge honest criticism.
