BusterB: No Means No

No Means No, A Fictional Conversation

"No means no!" "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" "When a woman says 'no' you should take her seriously."

The idea is that pressing the point after a woman says "No" is supposed to be at best inconsiderate and at worst abusive. Women, of course, would never do such a thing. They would stop as soon as a man said "No." A woman would treat a man's "No" with honour and respect, so why can't a man do the same for her "No"?

Ha ha. I was even starting to believe myself for a moment there. Sometimes I crack myself up.

Have you ever tried saying "No" to a woman? Women whine and wail that men just won't take "No" for an answer. On the contrary, most men I know take "No" for an answer after trying only a couple of times (at most) to press their point. If women want to see people who absolutely can't take "No" for answer, they should try looking in the mirror. How many men out there have tried, in vain, these time-worn classics?

No, I don't want to go to the ballet.
No, I don't want your mother staying here for a month.
No, the living room would not look good in pink.
No, I don't feel like moving the couch.
No, I don't think we should have children.
No, I don't want us to buy a puppy.

Try saying any of these things to a woman who wants the opposite, and she'll ask you again. And again. And again. She'll cry; she'll whine; she'll command; she'll stop talking to you for a week. She'll bring up the same request week after week, month after month, until you finally cave in and give her what she wants. In fact, when faced with the word "No" in connection with something they really want, women do the same damned thing that they despise in men. Only they're more persistent.

The last example is from my own experience. My wife wants a puppy. I do not want a puppy, not because I don't like dogs (I love dogs) but because we live in a tiny apartment and we both work. I think it's unfair to the dog to be alone 16 hours a day (8 while we work, 8 while we sleep), cooped up in a four-room box, just so we can play with it for half an hour a day and take it for a couple of walks. I want to wait until we get a house, so the poor thing can at least play outside.

My wife will get her puppy, probably sooner rather than later. She will get it because every week, sometimes several times a week, she asks, "Can we buy a puppy?" She will do this until I finally can't stand it any more and I buy the puppy.

I have a friend who went house-shopping with her husband two years ago. After looking at several small houses that they could afford, the agent pulled an old trick and took them to a beautiful house that they couldn't afford. In my friend's words, "He didn't want the house because he said we couldn't pay for it. I loved it. Poor guy, he didn't stand a chance." She always giggles when she says this. She thinks it's hilarious.

I suppose it would shock her to know that I think she did exactly the same thing as do men who put pressure on women to have sex. My wife would probably be surprised to learn that I think she's exactly like those aggressive guys who badger women until finally the girls cave in and the guys get some.

"But I was talking about sex, not buying puppies!"

Yeah, yeah. The oldest female trick in the book: narrowly define the discourse to something that women don't want, then say that men can avoid the same thing whenever they like. In the words of Anatole France, "The majestic egalitarianism of the law, which forbids the rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." In this case, it's a cheap ploy to give men permission to say no to sex, and only to sex, knowing that it's something men are unlikely to say no to.

The bottom line is not sex but respect. Women are demanding that men respect their decisions regarding sex and not badger them to change their minds, while simultaneously giving no such respect to men on other matters.

"Sex is the most intimate act in a relationship; you can't equate it with buying a puppy!"

Far be it from women to actually get the point where "men's issues" are concerned, so let's then talk about sex. I have a radical question to pose.

Has any of you men ever tried saying "No" to sex with your partner?

Some men consider this ludicrous. After all, men are always ready and willing. Well, here's a news flash: not all of us are. Some men have slowed down for whatever reason, while other men are often ready and willing but sometimes, because of sickness, sadness, or just a rotten day don't feel like doing it. Have you ever tried telling a woman "No" without having a damned good reason, like your leg was broken or your sister had just died?

I'll give you a hint: it doesn't go over well.

I once told an ex-girlfriend that I didn't want to have sex with her. I don't remember any more what the issue was; I hadn't been feeling very well for two or three days and, when she finally dropped a big hint that she wanted to get naked with me, I politely declined. I told her that no, I didn't feel like it that day. Well, this lasted about ten hours: two for which she wouldn't speak to me, and eight for which we were sleeping. The next morning she jumped me. I mean she jumped into bed and grabbed me in her arms. I told her no. I pushed her away. She came back for a second pass, then a third, then a fourth. On the fifth attempt I gave up and made love to her. Although I didn't want to, it was easier than constantly fending her off. I later asked her why she rarely wanted to have sex with me when I asked, but when it was me saying no she turned into a wild woman. "I dunno," she giggled, "I guess it was a pride thing. I couldn't have you immune to my sex appeal."

Do you know what they call this on university campuses these days? They call it "date rape." They want it to be a crime. They want men convicted for this and at least thrown out of university if not thrown in jail. Whenever I see posters about "date rape" I chuckle to myself. What would happen if I tried to have my ex-girlfriend hauled up on charges? I would be laughed at by everyone, including the people who stapled up the "date rape" posters.

Women say that "No means no." In fact, they don't just say it, they scream it. And yet, when push comes to shove, when it's something that they want and they hear that two-letter word in reply, this iron-clad "No means no" rule and all of the respect that it demands go out the window.

I'll respect the "No means no" campaign when women start to respect my "no's".¹ I have a feeling that it won't be soon.

¹ As a matter of fact, because I grew up being trained as a feminist, I do automatically respect a woman's "No." I don't like that response very much, but it's built in. However, I do console myself with the knowledge that any woman who says that "No means no" or who leads me on and then says "No" at an obviously awkward moment is an asshole that I wouldn't want to have slept with anyway. Sometimes, life rewards you in back-handed ways.

No Means No Up Projection PMS No Means No No Means No Redux Stereotypes Accountabiliphobia Victims and Oppressors Drivers and Passengers Mary Daly
	No Means No, A Fictional Conversation "No means no!" "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" "When a woman says 'no' you should take her seriously." The idea is that pressing the point after a woman says "No" is supposed to be at best inconsiderate and at worst abusive. Women, of course, would never do such a thing. They would stop as soon as a man said "No." A woman would treat a man's "No" with honour and respect, so why can't a man do the same for her "No"? Ha ha. I was even starting to believe myself for a moment there. Sometimes I crack myself up. Have you ever tried saying "No" to a woman? Women whine and wail that men just won't take "No" for an answer. On the contrary, most men I know take "No" for an answer after trying only a couple of times (at most) to press their point. If women want to see people who absolutely can't take "No" for answer, they should try looking in the mirror. How many men out there have tried, in vain, these time-worn classics? No, I don't want to go to the ballet. No, I don't want your mother staying here for a month. No, the living room would not look good in pink. No, I don't feel like moving the couch. No, I don't think we should have children. No, I don't want us to buy a puppy. Try saying any of these things to a woman who wants the opposite, and she'll ask you again. And again. And again. She'll cry; she'll whine; she'll command; she'll stop talking to you for a week. She'll bring up the same request week after week, month after month, until you finally cave in and give her what she wants. In fact, when faced with the word "No" in connection with something they really want, women do the same damned thing that they despise in men. Only they're more persistent. The last example is from my own experience. My wife wants a puppy. I do not want a puppy, not because I don't like dogs (I love dogs) but because we live in a tiny apartment and we both work. I think it's unfair to the dog to be alone 16 hours a day (8 while we work, 8 while we sleep), cooped up in a four-room box, just so we can play with it for half an hour a day and take it for a couple of walks. I want to wait until we get a house, so the poor thing can at least play outside. My wife will get her puppy, probably sooner rather than later. She will get it because every week, sometimes several times a week, she asks, "Can we buy a puppy?" She will do this until I finally can't stand it any more and I buy the puppy. I have a friend who went house-shopping with her husband two years ago. After looking at several small houses that they could afford, the agent pulled an old trick and took them to a beautiful house that they couldn't afford. In my friend's words, "He didn't want the house because he said we couldn't pay for it. I loved it. Poor guy, he didn't stand a chance." She always giggles when she says this. She thinks it's hilarious. I suppose it would shock her to know that I think she did exactly the same thing as do men who put pressure on women to have sex. My wife would probably be surprised to learn that I think she's exactly like those aggressive guys who badger women until finally the girls cave in and the guys get some. "But I was talking about sex, not buying puppies!" Yeah, yeah. The oldest female trick in the book: narrowly define the discourse to something that women don't want, then say that men can avoid the same thing whenever they like. In the words of Anatole France, "The majestic egalitarianism of the law, which forbids the rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." In this case, it's a cheap ploy to give men permission to say no to sex, and only to sex, knowing that it's something men are unlikely to say no to. The bottom line is not sex but respect. Women are demanding that men respect their decisions regarding sex and not badger them to change their minds, while simultaneously giving no such respect to men on other matters. "Sex is the most intimate act in a relationship; you can't equate it with buying a puppy!" Far be it from women to actually get the point where "men's issues" are concerned, so let's then talk about sex. I have a radical question to pose. Has any of you men ever tried saying "No" to sex with your partner? Some men consider this ludicrous. After all, men are always ready and willing. Well, here's a news flash: not all of us are. Some men have slowed down for whatever reason, while other men are often ready and willing but sometimes, because of sickness, sadness, or just a rotten day don't feel like doing it. Have you ever tried telling a woman "No" without having a damned good reason, like your leg was broken or your sister had just died? I'll give you a hint: it doesn't go over well. I once told an ex-girlfriend that I didn't want to have sex with her. I don't remember any more what the issue was; I hadn't been feeling very well for two or three days and, when she finally dropped a big hint that she wanted to get naked with me, I politely declined. I told her that no, I didn't feel like it that day. Well, this lasted about ten hours: two for which she wouldn't speak to me, and eight for which we were sleeping. The next morning she jumped me. I mean she jumped into bed and grabbed me in her arms. I told her no. I pushed her away. She came back for a second pass, then a third, then a fourth. On the fifth attempt I gave up and made love to her. Although I didn't want to, it was easier than constantly fending her off. I later asked her why she rarely wanted to have sex with me when I asked, but when it was me saying no she turned into a wild woman. "I dunno," she giggled, "I guess it was a pride thing. I couldn't have you immune to my sex appeal." Do you know what they call this on university campuses these days? They call it "date rape." They want it to be a crime. They want men convicted for this and at least thrown out of university if not thrown in jail. Whenever I see posters about "date rape" I chuckle to myself. What would happen if I tried to have my ex-girlfriend hauled up on charges? I would be laughed at by everyone, including the people who stapled up the "date rape" posters. Women say that "No means no." In fact, they don't just say it, they scream it. And yet, when push comes to shove, when it's something that they want and they hear that two-letter word in reply, this iron-clad "No means no" rule and all of the respect that it demands go out the window. I'll respect the "No means no" campaign when women start to respect my "no's".¹ I have a feeling that it won't be soon.

	¹ As a matter of fact, because I grew up being trained as a feminist, I do automatically respect a woman's "No." I don't like that response very much, but it's built in. However, I do console myself with the knowledge that any woman who says that "No means no" or who leads me on and then says "No" at an obviously awkward moment is an asshole that I wouldn't want to have slept with anyway. Sometimes, life rewards you in back-handed ways.