BusterB: No Means No, Redux

I remarked elsewhere that I find it hypocritical that women expect men to have a reverential respect—backed up by the full weight of the law—for a woman's "No" when women pay no such respect when men say "No."

This rant is about something slightly different: the notion that every time a woman says "No" she really means no. I once mentioned in a discussion group that "No" didn't always mean no, and was blasted for being a Neanderthal. After all, if one doesn't believe that a woman's "No" always means no, then obviously one believes in "I see; I take" (in the words of one poster).

Not at all.

I claim that no one, anywhere, means no every time they say "No." I might be willing to make exceptions for monks who have taken vows to speak only fifty-two words a year and so spend a week contemplating each word. As for the rest of us, human beings say lots of things for lots of reasons, frequently without thinking too hard before we do so. Add to this the human penchant for sarcasm and I'm often amazed that we manage to understand each other at all.

Some examples.

"No, I don't mind if you go bowling with the guys instead of having dinner with my mother and me." Spoken whilst facing ninety degrees to the listener, arms folded across chest, jaws set, looking out of the corner of her eye with a flint-like glare. Woe betide the poor bastard who takes this "No" to really mean that no, his wife doesn't mind at all.
"No, I'm not upset!" Yelled while slamming the bedroom door shut in his face. Does this mean that he can relax and watch sports on TV? No, it means that he has a couple of hours of pleading and soothing to do before he gets to sleep in his own bed.
"No, I don't love you at all. Not even a little teeny bit." Spoken with a huge smile while smothering the listener in hugs and kisses.

So what's the point? The point is that human communication is much richer and much more complex than words. The point is that here are three clear examples of women saying "No" when they mean anything but no. These aren't even controversial examples, either. These are things that everyone does now and then. Here are some more moot examples.

Have you never said "No" when someone calls up and starts into a sales pitch, even before you hear what they're selling and what the price is? I do it all the time. I'm accustomed to sales pitches from minimum-wage grunts selling newspapers, magazines, Internet access, and vacuum cleaners. I've learned that the terms of their "deals" are rarely, if ever, so spectacularly good that I want to spend five minutes listening to their drivel. Imagine calling someone up to offer them a free Mazda Miata. Completely free. No strings attached, no fees, no bullshit. I bet you would have to call ten people before one said "Yes!" I bet that half of them would hang up or blow you off before you even told them that it was completely free.
Have you never said "No" when someone approached you on the street or in a mall offering a free sample? Again, I do it all the time. I'm busy. I have things to do, and half of these people are offering free samples but then want to bend my ear for five minutes. Ditto for people handing out flyers; they could be handing me a guaranteed seat to see Yo-Yo Ma and I wouldn't know it because I just say "No" out of hand.
Have you never said "No" to some "deal" when you didn't have time to check it out and weren't sure what was involved? I have, many times.
Have you never said "No" when someone offered you something but there were other people around and you didn't want to accept in public? It's never happened to me, but if someone yelled to me across a room full of my friends, "Hey, Buster! I bought a great porno film last week! Want to borrow it?" I would say "No!" even though I might be interested. After all, I have an image to maintain.
Have you never said "No" as a joke, then broken into a big smile and said "Yes"? I have many times, just to see the looks on people's faces.

The point, if it isn't clear enough, is that people are complicated, and they often say "No" not because they don't want something but because they think they've seen it before, because they're too busy to contemplate the question, because they're trying to maintain an image, or because they're joking.

Women—and men—do all of this and more when it comes to sex. "No" does not, in fact, always mean no, from women, men, or anyone else, on almost any subject. Often you have to read between the lines, try to discern the other person's mood, in order to decide whether that "No" really means no.

What men do by pressing the point is nothing more than what annoying salesmen do when I say "No" out of hand without listening to their pitch: they try another tack. They think that if they use the right words, I might buy their product (in fact I won't: I'm stubborn). This kind of behaviour, while it is extremely annoying, isn't illegal.

When it comes to sex, however, what women want is to make what annoys them illegal. Women know that not every "No" is clear and convincing, but they like to pretend that they believe otherwise because the resulting laws have annoying men running scared.

Weaseling Out

What women are really doing with this "No means no!" campaign has not so much to do with stopping rapists as it has to do with pushing responsibility onto men's shoulders, something that's hardly new.

What "No means no!" really means is this:

"We women understand that much of what we say is ambiguous. We understand that we sometimes say 'Yes' when we mean 'No' and vice versa. We understand that you men, and in fact other women, have to read our body language, listen to our tone of voice, and use other clues to determine what we really mean when we talk. We understand that misunderstandings are common. However, we refuse to take any responsibility for this. If, in the future, there is any misunderstanding between us, if there is any misinterpretation of what I said or what you said, then we want it to be your fault. Regardless of how vague we are, it's your job as men to figure out what we meant and act accordingly, even when we don't know ourselves what we meant until we reflect upon it later."

When you say this to women directly, they think it's hilarious. "Yeah, that's us!" they giggle. They even have stuff like this posted on their office walls. It's called "The Rules." You know, "Only the female knows all of the rules, etc."

And you know what? Twenty years ago it was funny. "Who understands women? Who understands men? Ha ha." Both sexes chuckled over men's and women's quirks of behaviour.

The problem is that it's not funny any more. It's deadly serious. Now this silly "Rule" is backed up by Equality Committees in businesses, Human Rights Commissions in governments, and ultimately the court system. A man can have his reputation destroyed, lose his job, and even end up in jail because some woman, who often says "No" when she doesn't mean it, said "No" and he misread the non-verbal cues.

And women couldn't care less.

Women couldn't care less because now they feel protected, or at least more protected than they felt before. They don't care how wide the net is an how many innocents it catches, so long as it catches all of the guilty. They don't care if men who are innocent, or at least clueless, end up being destroyed by a law that doesn't even reflect reality. Reality—at least this kind of reality—doesn't matter to women. All that matters it that they're better protected. I'm sure that if you ask feminist women they'll say that it is a sad fact of life, but in order to protect women there must be some casualties, and they're willing to sacrifice as many men as it takes to protect their sisters. Sacrifice is easy when you're not the one paying the price.

No Means No, Redux Up Projection PMS No Means No No Means No Redux Stereotypes Accountabiliphobia Victims and Oppressors Drivers and Passengers Mary Daly
	I remarked elsewhere that I find it hypocritical that women expect men to have a reverential respect—backed up by the full weight of the law—for a woman's "No" when women pay no such respect when men say "No." This rant is about something slightly different: the notion that every time a woman says "No" she really means no. I once mentioned in a discussion group that "No" didn't always mean no, and was blasted for being a Neanderthal. After all, if one doesn't believe that a woman's "No" always means no, then obviously one believes in "I see; I take" (in the words of one poster). Not at all. I claim that no one, anywhere, means no every time they say "No." I might be willing to make exceptions for monks who have taken vows to speak only fifty-two words a year and so spend a week contemplating each word. As for the rest of us, human beings say lots of things for lots of reasons, frequently without thinking too hard before we do so. Add to this the human penchant for sarcasm and I'm often amazed that we manage to understand each other at all. Some examples. "No, I don't mind if you go bowling with the guys instead of having dinner with my mother and me." Spoken whilst facing ninety degrees to the listener, arms folded across chest, jaws set, looking out of the corner of her eye with a flint-like glare. Woe betide the poor bastard who takes this "No" to really mean that no, his wife doesn't mind at all. "No, I'm not upset!" Yelled while slamming the bedroom door shut in his face. Does this mean that he can relax and watch sports on TV? No, it means that he has a couple of hours of pleading and soothing to do before he gets to sleep in his own bed. "No, I don't love you at all. Not even a little teeny bit." Spoken with a huge smile while smothering the listener in hugs and kisses. So what's the point? The point is that human communication is much richer and much more complex than words. The point is that here are three clear examples of women saying "No" when they mean anything but no. These aren't even controversial examples, either. These are things that everyone does now and then. Here are some more moot examples. Have you never said "No" when someone calls up and starts into a sales pitch, even before you hear what they're selling and what the price is? I do it all the time. I'm accustomed to sales pitches from minimum-wage grunts selling newspapers, magazines, Internet access, and vacuum cleaners. I've learned that the terms of their "deals" are rarely, if ever, so spectacularly good that I want to spend five minutes listening to their drivel. Imagine calling someone up to offer them a free Mazda Miata. Completely free. No strings attached, no fees, no bullshit. I bet you would have to call ten people before one said "Yes!" I bet that half of them would hang up or blow you off before you even told them that it was completely free. Have you never said "No" when someone approached you on the street or in a mall offering a free sample? Again, I do it all the time. I'm busy. I have things to do, and half of these people are offering free samples but then want to bend my ear for five minutes. Ditto for people handing out flyers; they could be handing me a guaranteed seat to see Yo-Yo Ma and I wouldn't know it because I just say "No" out of hand. Have you never said "No" to some "deal" when you didn't have time to check it out and weren't sure what was involved? I have, many times. Have you never said "No" when someone offered you something but there were other people around and you didn't want to accept in public? It's never happened to me, but if someone yelled to me across a room full of my friends, "Hey, Buster! I bought a great porno film last week! Want to borrow it?" I would say "No!" even though I might be interested. After all, I have an image to maintain. Have you never said "No" as a joke, then broken into a big smile and said "Yes"? I have many times, just to see the looks on people's faces. The point, if it isn't clear enough, is that people are complicated, and they often say "No" not because they don't want something but because they think they've seen it before, because they're too busy to contemplate the question, because they're trying to maintain an image, or because they're joking. Women—and men—do all of this and more when it comes to sex. "No" does not, in fact, always mean no, from women, men, or anyone else, on almost any subject. Often you have to read between the lines, try to discern the other person's mood, in order to decide whether that "No" really means no. What men do by pressing the point is nothing more than what annoying salesmen do when I say "No" out of hand without listening to their pitch: they try another tack. They think that if they use the right words, I might buy their product (in fact I won't: I'm stubborn). This kind of behaviour, while it is extremely annoying, isn't illegal. When it comes to sex, however, what women want is to make what annoys them illegal. Women know that not every "No" is clear and convincing, but they like to pretend that they believe otherwise because the resulting laws have annoying men running scared. Weaseling Out What women are really doing with this "No means no!" campaign has not so much to do with stopping rapists as it has to do with pushing responsibility onto men's shoulders, something that's hardly new. What "No means no!" really means is this: "We women understand that much of what we say is ambiguous. We understand that we sometimes say 'Yes' when we mean 'No' and vice versa. We understand that you men, and in fact other women, have to read our body language, listen to our tone of voice, and use other clues to determine what we really mean when we talk. We understand that misunderstandings are common. However, we refuse to take any responsibility for this. If, in the future, there is any misunderstanding between us, if there is any misinterpretation of what I said or what you said, then we want it to be your fault. Regardless of how vague we are, it's your job as men to figure out what we meant and act accordingly, even when we don't know ourselves what we meant until we reflect upon it later." When you say this to women directly, they think it's hilarious. "Yeah, that's us!" they giggle. They even have stuff like this posted on their office walls. It's called "The Rules." You know, "Only the female knows all of the rules, etc." And you know what? Twenty years ago it was funny. "Who understands women? Who understands men? Ha ha." Both sexes chuckled over men's and women's quirks of behaviour. The problem is that it's not funny any more. It's deadly serious. Now this silly "Rule" is backed up by Equality Committees in businesses, Human Rights Commissions in governments, and ultimately the court system. A man can have his reputation destroyed, lose his job, and even end up in jail because some woman, who often says "No" when she doesn't mean it, said "No" and he misread the non-verbal cues. And women couldn't care less. Women couldn't care less because now they feel protected, or at least more protected than they felt before. They don't care how wide the net is an how many innocents it catches, so long as it catches all of the guilty. They don't care if men who are innocent, or at least clueless, end up being destroyed by a law that doesn't even reflect reality. Reality—at least this kind of reality—doesn't matter to women. All that matters it that they're better protected. I'm sure that if you ask feminist women they'll say that it is a sad fact of life, but in order to protect women there must be some casualties, and they're willing to sacrifice as many men as it takes to protect their sisters. Sacrifice is easy when you're not the one paying the price.