BusterB: S.N.A.G.

It has relented a bit these days, but ten years ago the clamour for "sensitive New Age guys" was deafening. Women were tired of dealing with "macho" men and wanted someone softer and gentler. Even today, a lot of women complain that their men "aren't sensitive enough." This would seem straightforward enough: men should work at becoming more sensitive. But should they?

Before we all run off to teach ourselves "sensitivity," perhaps we should ask what does "sensitive" mean anyway? On the face of it, it should mean "someone who is more open to what is going on around them," "someone who feels their emotions more acutely." In this sense, women don't want sensitive men at all. A sensitive man would feel women's barbs and cruel jokes. A sensitive and courageous man would try to escape his soul-crushing job for more rewarding work that paid less. Women absolutely don't want this. They want a "sensitive" man who will still tolerate the abuse that they dish out without complaining or even realizing that it is abuse, and they want a man who will continue to do meaningless work to bring home a paycheque without complaining about it.

So you think that women bring home the paycheque now and so they don't need men to work hard at meaningless jobs to make more money? Don't fool yourself. Although women do "bring home bacon" these days, they also want a fallback position. I've lost count of my female friends who, when pregnant for the first time, were "trying to decide whether to keep working or become a full-time mother." I have always doubted that their husbands had any meaningful input into that decision. A truly sensitive man would be right in there saying, "Hey, maybe I want to be the one at home looking after the baby!" This is the last thing women want. Women want to make their life choices, then have hubby pick up whatever is left over. What that means, in practical terms, is that most women are looking for a man who is willing to do tough work to bring home the bacon, if that's what she says she needs. So, the "breadwinner" of yesteryear isn't gone—he's just in the back pocket, to be brought out if the need arises.

Neither does it pay for men to be sensitive where quality of life is concerned. Women spend most of their waking hours trying to improve their quality of life. Bath shops, clothing shops, makeup, vacations, decorating.... Feminists claim that women work hard on their appearance, smell, and environment in order to please men. This is laughable. Women do these things in order to please themselves. A man can tell a woman over and over that the dresses she has look just fine, but she will go out and buy a new one anyway. Men don't much care about fashion, makeup, and whether the bath smells like gardenias. As much as this speaks to women's motivations, it also speaks to men's motivations. Why don't men care about fashion, appearance, and sweet-smelling bath water? They don't care simply because it wouldn't work. Two people, each obsessed with their own quality of life would not get along, and women know this. A man who takes a satisfying but low-paying job, spends his money on luxuries for himself, and enjoys his environment is not a catch because he's "probably gay." Women want men who are willing to live and work in less-than-ideal conditions, men who are willing to spend their money on luxuries for women. Or, these days, men who will spend the money they make for the common good, so that women can spend the money they make on themselves. You know: "What's mine is mine; what's yours is ours." A man who values a pleasant, low-stress, high-quality life over "success" is not valued by a woman precisely because she cannot use him to improve her quality of life.

So, after all of this, why do women still demand "sensitive" men? The answer is that when women say this, they don't mean "sensitive" in the general sense. They don't want a man who is sensitive to his own situation and his own feelings the way women are sensitive to their environment and feelings. What they want is a man who is more sensitive to his woman's feelings. Women still want men who, when asked how they feel, are dumb as posts. Women still want men who are calm and unflappable. What a woman really wants when she talks about "sensitivity" is a man who can discover what she wants and then, having done that, goes back to being a traditional knight in shining armour by ignoring what he may want and making her wishes come true.

As such, the concept of the "sensitive New Age guy" was invented by women for women. The wonder is that everyone jumped on the bandwagon. Men are trying to figure out how to be more "sensitive," succeeding in becoming more sensitive, then wondering why everything hurts more. To add to the confusion, psychotherapists are 100% behind this new "sensitivity" and tout it as the only road to happiness. Nobody, it seems, has asked who this "sensitivity" would benefit, and, finding that it benefits only women, has asked why men would bother adopting it. "Being more sensitive" is not the road to happiness for most men; it is only the road to peace with their mates.

The punch line is that women act as though they agree with this. Several men's Web sites I've visited lament that women claim to want "sensitive" guys but then end up going out with jerks who abuse them. At first this female behaviour seems inconsistent, but it's far from it. Above all, a woman wants a man she can manipulate into doing all of the crappy, soul-crushing, mind-numbing, tough work in life so that she can do the stuff that involves love, warmth, and caring. Obviously, a truly sensitive man with self-respect wouldn't put himself through that, so he's not useful. What is left are the following:

the sensitive but noble man, willing to make a conscious sacrifice for love. These too are few and far between, as all well-adjusted people are. Furthermore, such a man would rightly demand sacrifice in return from his mate, so he comes at a high price. As much as women say they want a man like this, it takes a special woman to match his generosity, so he's often tried on for size and then dumped.
the whiner, who has over-sensitized himself and now realizes that life as a man is pretty damned meaningless. Women tend to try him out from time to time because he looks a bit like the "sensitive but noble" type, but then get tired of the constant complaints.
the macho man, who to varying degrees isn't too aware of how he feels but just wants to get on with the job. These guys range all the way from church-going traditionalists to the bad boys who beat up their girlfriends from time to time or cheat. Women know that these guys aren't sensitive, but at least they're easy to manipulate and she gets what she wants: the resources and freedom to improve her own life.
the committed feminist, who has managed the trick of being sensitive to his partner's needs while at the same time being totally blind to his own. This is what women say they want when they say "sensitive man." The problem with these men is that their occasional preachiness and holier-than-thou attitude can become irritating. Nonetheless, they can still be easily manipulated (sometimes too easily to maintain interest) and so they make good husbands.

So, out of the four types outlined above, only the last two are both commonplace and husband material, and—no surprise—the macho bad boy is in the club. The moral of this tale is that more than the much vaunted "sensitivity" what a woman really wants is someone who can stuff his feelings and do what needs to be done... so that she doesn't have to do it. Women value security over sensitivity, where "security" means the feeling that a man would go to his death to protect her, or slowly kill himself in a lousy job to keep her comfortable. That sort of thing is still worth much more than "sensitivity," no matter how much women whine about the latter.

If much of the advice on this site seems crusty and hard-edged, it's because I used to be a SNAG myself until I wised up. I'm writing here for the kind of man who has been through all of this and is beginning to suspect that something is not right. To this man I say, "If you're wondering how to become 'sensitive' in the right way to please women, if you've tried but can't seem to get it right, then you're probably already too sensitive and should stop trying." To other men, who are still deep into being SNAGs and thus find this advice offensive, or for other men who are scratching their heads over this wondering what it's all about, don't worry—this essay isn't for you anyway.

S.N.A.G. Up Commitment Men's Clubs Male Feminists Net Porn Restlessly Inventive Saying No S.N.A.G. Understanding Women
	It has relented a bit these days, but ten years ago the clamour for "sensitive New Age guys" was deafening. Women were tired of dealing with "macho" men and wanted someone softer and gentler. Even today, a lot of women complain that their men "aren't sensitive enough." This would seem straightforward enough: men should work at becoming more sensitive. But should they? Before we all run off to teach ourselves "sensitivity," perhaps we should ask what does "sensitive" mean anyway? On the face of it, it should mean "someone who is more open to what is going on around them," "someone who feels their emotions more acutely." In this sense, women don't want sensitive men at all. A sensitive man would feel women's barbs and cruel jokes. A sensitive and courageous man would try to escape his soul-crushing job for more rewarding work that paid less. Women absolutely don't want this. They want a "sensitive" man who will still tolerate the abuse that they dish out without complaining or even realizing that it is abuse, and they want a man who will continue to do meaningless work to bring home a paycheque without complaining about it. So you think that women bring home the paycheque now and so they don't need men to work hard at meaningless jobs to make more money? Don't fool yourself. Although women do "bring home bacon" these days, they also want a fallback position. I've lost count of my female friends who, when pregnant for the first time, were "trying to decide whether to keep working or become a full-time mother." I have always doubted that their husbands had any meaningful input into that decision. A truly sensitive man would be right in there saying, "Hey, maybe I want to be the one at home looking after the baby!" This is the last thing women want. Women want to make their life choices, then have hubby pick up whatever is left over. What that means, in practical terms, is that most women are looking for a man who is willing to do tough work to bring home the bacon, if that's what she says she needs. So, the "breadwinner" of yesteryear isn't gone—he's just in the back pocket, to be brought out if the need arises. Neither does it pay for men to be sensitive where quality of life is concerned. Women spend most of their waking hours trying to improve their quality of life. Bath shops, clothing shops, makeup, vacations, decorating.... Feminists claim that women work hard on their appearance, smell, and environment in order to please men. This is laughable. Women do these things in order to please themselves. A man can tell a woman over and over that the dresses she has look just fine, but she will go out and buy a new one anyway. Men don't much care about fashion, makeup, and whether the bath smells like gardenias. As much as this speaks to women's motivations, it also speaks to men's motivations. Why don't men care about fashion, appearance, and sweet-smelling bath water? They don't care simply because it wouldn't work. Two people, each obsessed with their own quality of life would not get along, and women know this. A man who takes a satisfying but low-paying job, spends his money on luxuries for himself, and enjoys his environment is not a catch because he's "probably gay." Women want men who are willing to live and work in less-than-ideal conditions, men who are willing to spend their money on luxuries for women. Or, these days, men who will spend the money they make for the common good, so that women can spend the money they make on themselves. You know: "What's mine is mine; what's yours is ours." A man who values a pleasant, low-stress, high-quality life over "success" is not valued by a woman precisely because she cannot use him to improve her quality of life. So, after all of this, why do women still demand "sensitive" men? The answer is that when women say this, they don't mean "sensitive" in the general sense. They don't want a man who is sensitive to his own situation and his own feelings the way women are sensitive to their environment and feelings. What they want is a man who is more sensitive to his woman's feelings. Women still want men who, when asked how they feel, are dumb as posts. Women still want men who are calm and unflappable. What a woman really wants when she talks about "sensitivity" is a man who can discover what she wants and then, having done that, goes back to being a traditional knight in shining armour by ignoring what he may want and making her wishes come true. As such, the concept of the "sensitive New Age guy" was invented by women for women. The wonder is that everyone jumped on the bandwagon. Men are trying to figure out how to be more "sensitive," succeeding in becoming more sensitive, then wondering why everything hurts more. To add to the confusion, psychotherapists are 100% behind this new "sensitivity" and tout it as the only road to happiness. Nobody, it seems, has asked who this "sensitivity" would benefit, and, finding that it benefits only women, has asked why men would bother adopting it. "Being more sensitive" is not the road to happiness for most men; it is only the road to peace with their mates. The punch line is that women act as though they agree with this. Several men's Web sites I've visited lament that women claim to want "sensitive" guys but then end up going out with jerks who abuse them. At first this female behaviour seems inconsistent, but it's far from it. Above all, a woman wants a man she can manipulate into doing all of the crappy, soul-crushing, mind-numbing, tough work in life so that she can do the stuff that involves love, warmth, and caring. Obviously, a truly sensitive man with self-respect wouldn't put himself through that, so he's not useful. What is left are the following: the sensitive but noble man, willing to make a conscious sacrifice for love. These too are few and far between, as all well-adjusted people are. Furthermore, such a man would rightly demand sacrifice in return from his mate, so he comes at a high price. As much as women say they want a man like this, it takes a special woman to match his generosity, so he's often tried on for size and then dumped. the whiner, who has over-sensitized himself and now realizes that life as a man is pretty damned meaningless. Women tend to try him out from time to time because he looks a bit like the "sensitive but noble" type, but then get tired of the constant complaints. the macho man, who to varying degrees isn't too aware of how he feels but just wants to get on with the job. These guys range all the way from church-going traditionalists to the bad boys who beat up their girlfriends from time to time or cheat. Women know that these guys aren't sensitive, but at least they're easy to manipulate and she gets what she wants: the resources and freedom to improve her own life. the committed feminist, who has managed the trick of being sensitive to his partner's needs while at the same time being totally blind to his own. This is what women say they want when they say "sensitive man." The problem with these men is that their occasional preachiness and holier-than-thou attitude can become irritating. Nonetheless, they can still be easily manipulated (sometimes too easily to maintain interest) and so they make good husbands. So, out of the four types outlined above, only the last two are both commonplace and husband material, and—no surprise—the macho bad boy is in the club. The moral of this tale is that more than the much vaunted "sensitivity" what a woman really wants is someone who can stuff his feelings and do what needs to be done... so that she doesn't have to do it. Women value security over sensitivity, where "security" means the feeling that a man would go to his death to protect her, or slowly kill himself in a lousy job to keep her comfortable. That sort of thing is still worth much more than "sensitivity," no matter how much women whine about the latter. If much of the advice on this site seems crusty and hard-edged, it's because I used to be a SNAG myself until I wised up. I'm writing here for the kind of man who has been through all of this and is beginning to suspect that something is not right. To this man I say, "If you're wondering how to become 'sensitive' in the right way to please women, if you've tried but can't seem to get it right, then you're probably already too sensitive and should stop trying." To other men, who are still deep into being SNAGs and thus find this advice offensive, or for other men who are scratching their heads over this wondering what it's all about, don't worry—this essay isn't for you anyway.